Tout le mond devrait le faire

I start thinking about it and my heart starts racing. If I were any more excited I think my body would actually start trembling. In ten minutes, I know that I will be right where I want to be. I will be hot and sweaty and I will be satisfied to know that there is something I do right. And afterwards I will be glad I made the decision to do this. I will be happy and I will even feel more beautiful. Still, I know the next time I do this will feel even better and I will be even happier and I will feel even more beautiful.

I have an addiction. A healthy one.

I love to run.

Un long dimanche de fiançailles

I just watched another film starring Audrey Tatou and it was beautiful. It's not just their language that makes the French so beautiful. Everything about their culture is amazing. At least to me. Even though I thought the movie was beautiful- the scenery, the filmography, the plot- I hated it a little bit.

I hate to admit that I am bitter but I cannot think of another explanation for why I hate movies about love. The first and only movie I've ever cried watching was "What Dreams May Come". However, "Tristan and Isolde" put me in a funk for a few days and I did end up crying about that movie. I know these movies are usually used to inspire and cheer people up but all I see is human failure. It makes me sad to think that someone could write about and act out such a pure form of love but I see no real-life examples. At least no new ones. I believe in the love my grandparents and great aunt and uncle share.

I swear I see people get married left and right but I never see love like they show in movies. Or even love like my grandparents have. Is it just me or does true love only exist in written/scripted/picture form anymore? Don't get me wrong I still give love a chance. I still keep my heart open so that "love will find its way in". I just don't really truly believe in it.

Maybe that's how I create a sort of self'-fulfilled prophecy. By letting people know that I don't really believe in it, no one is willing to share theirs with me. Maybe.

And I still believe in love. For sure. I just don't believe in "true love", the kind of love people fight for or at least try for. Sometimes I think love is just a victim of the modern world. Technology makes everything so easy for us that we take for granted anything you have to work for. Anything worth working for. I do think love, "true love" even, existed at one point. I think my grandparents' generation has a few couples who were/are/will forever be in love. And back then, it wasn't easy.

Everyone I talk to about long distance relationships says they won't work out. Some say it's easier now with skyping/texting and all these ways to stay connected quickly but I haven't witnessed a long-distance relationship "working-out" let alone one where both people are in the same city. Our generation is so bogged down by our need for instant gratification. If its not easy, if its not perfect all on its own, its not working and it gets dismissed.

So the cynic rambles on....

One day, I was looking for a quote about love to share. I ended up on google and found a link about "the story of the man who didn't believe in love". The title alone intrigued me so I delved in. After reading it, I was calm. I felt as though this epiphany was brought to my attention. I was accepting and understanding and it made me feel better for a while. It's still just a story. Just another fictional map to describe another author's journey through love but I like it. I think it's beautiful and worth reading.
This isn't the link I found originally, that had something to do with a website named something like thinkexist, but it's the same story:
http://www.howtogetoverarelationship.com/the-man-who-didnt-believe-in-love/

Kurt et Chuck

Up until recently, I hardly read anything if it wasn't written by Kurt Vonnegut. Right now, I'm into Chuck Palahniuk. This man is amazing. He has a cynic voice, like I admire so much in Kurt, in his writing but it can be encouraging in a way. I've never hated the human race so much but at the same time, loved it so much either. To think that he can create such mind-bending thrills within a couple hundred pages. To see that he can make me think and re-think, regret, reform. I'm just beyond half-way through Diary and I can't help but feel connected to the fictional character "writing" it. It's like taking my earlier blog post, "inspiration" and turning that into a character and then having someone else write to him while he's in a coma. So far at least.
Some of the things he writes, I feel like they were taken from my mind, my mouth and/or my writings. This is going to be short because I just have to finish reading. I was told that I won't see the end coming and now I'm even more excited to finish it.

n'aime rien

I know not love

For still, I fear

To keep those, who love,

In my heart, so near.

If love, I knew,

Were here to stay

I’d love and love

And love away.

But fear I may,

That love doth leave.

I love not, thus

Not loved, I grieve.

Love not, want not,

Hurt not I.

Wish not. Share not.

Cry not. Die