Pour mes neveux

If I never accomplish anything but, I want to make you love.

I do, however, wish to warn you. Although love can be the greatest feeling you may ever feel, it can bring on the harshest of pains. I need you to appreciate the pain. Dolly Parton once said, “the way I see it, if you want the rainbow you gotta put up with the rain.” I want you to know that it’s okay to feel pain. It’s human. It’s beautiful. And it is good for you.

What’s not okay is feeling dead inside. Complacency is a very close runner up. No matter how hard your pain is, I want you to always be able to cherish good memories. Don't ever let your heart get hardened. No matter how bitter your heartache makes you, I need you to capture that way that you felt when you first felt love. I’m not talking about family love although I think that is incredibly important too. I’m talking about the kind of love they make movies about.

I don’t know if it’s normal to feel what I once felt but I know I felt joy in the simple idea of a thought of someone. If that even makes sense. Just knowing that there was someone out there that floated on clouds just thinking of me. The way I floated on clouds just thinking of him.

I don’t just need you to love, I need you to be loved. Never accept anything less. There is no point in holding someone close to your heart if they don’t do the same. And don't settle. Don't let you make yourself believe that it's love because you want to say that you loved. When you feel it, you won't have to ask if it is. When you love someone, you'll not only know but others will be able to tell. By the way you can't stop smiling just because you heard their name. Or the way you blush when they just look your way. The way you won't be able to form a complete sentence let alone thought. It will feel almost miserable but also, completely not.

So don't let your heart get sidetracked. Demand only the best.

I need you to know your worth. Because you’re worth everything to me. Never spring for anything less than happiness. But know that happiness, like I was saying, comes at a price. You can’t sit there and safely, humbly coast through life. You must take chances and you must scream at the top of your lungs. You must fall hard. And don’t worry- I may not be there to catch you but I will pick up the pieces I promise. And I might not get them all back and in the right places but you’ll be just as beautiful to me.

And in some weird and twisted ways, you'll feel refreshed, renewed, re-purposed.

And to me, you’ll never mean anything less than everything. I need you to know that. I need you to know that I love you. Perhaps more than you will ever even know. So here is my advice, in rhyming form as I do best.

You must run your body out of breath.

You must show grief for love and hope for death.

You must kiss like it would kill you to not.

You must love. And you must love a lot.

You must run further than you ever could.

You must cry harder than you ever would.

You need to feel heartache. You need pain.

You need rainbows just like you need rain.

You need to love like you’ll never love again.

You need to be the worlds best friend.

I want you to scream until your voice is sore.

I want you to whisper until you must roar.

I want you to sing, loud and unclear.

I want you to release your every fear.

It’s okay to get hurt- I’ll be here for you.

It’s okay to cry, to feel nothing but blue.

So long as you’re feeling, that is okay.

You’ll feel better on some other day.

And no matter what, we’ll do it together.

And I’ll love you best, for always and ever.

la liberté

Leave it up to a veteran on Memorial Day to put things into perspective. In so many words, he has reminded me that we, as American citizens, don't fight for our everyday life or have the need or desire to start a revolution and make big changes because those before us already have. We, as a country, are free. And instead of wishing I could be more like fictional characters in a story book, I should be happy and relieved that I don't face such dangers and impositions. I am proud of my cousin for having risked his life to go make others' more free. I am proud of my great grandpa who fought in WWII and is still well and working because he can be and chooses to be. Perhaps I am even envious of them because they did something I don't think I could ever do. Not only did they prove to be the epitome of physical and emotional strength but they fought for a cause that they felt, neigh knew, was important. They lived far away from home with little to no communication with their family and they succeeded in their mission and they, now, live each breath of their life with pride and with honor and with respect.
Thank you to our soldiers- past, present and future. Words can never express my gratitude.

faux feux

*Inspired by thoughts of comparison between our current, real, present lives in America and the fictional lives of those horrendous people from the Capitol in, you guessed it, Catching Fire (the second book of the Hunger Games trilogy). This isn't a story and it doesn't deserve much thought. Just a throw-up of thoughts. A need to convince myself that I may not do much or mean much as I exist but at least I am not wealthy and glutinous and at least I don't demand others' lives to entertain my own. It can also serve as a subtle reminder that I may not make much of an impact. And also that that should be okay because I am only human. And that's all I ever will be anyway.*
I sit around and I think. I am no longer a body, empowered. I am a soul, sitting. I can eat but that just makes me queasy. I can cook but that will just feed those here with me. I can sleep but all I do anyway is wake up with a headache. I don't want to be queasy. I want my head to stop hurting. I try and think of my purpose. What am I doing? Where am I going? What can I do?
In this modern world, things are as easy as sleeping at eating. And you have to work, usually for the man, to eat and sleep (at least comfortably). But that is all. Those are our struggles. We have nothing to overcome but boredom. We don't have anything to revolt against. Except for, maybe, our revolting selves. There is nothing demanding our attention except for, maybe, in places far enough away to lack the need for immediate attention. So we're removed from it. Enough so that we often don't even understand or acknowledge that maybe there is somewhere out there that needs us or could, at the very least, use us.
Instead we sit here, useless. Futile. We are satisfied enough being ugly. We are selfish and dull. And yet, we're looked up to. And we are proud. You know, to be American. To be the privileged elite.
Even if we can prove to make a difference in our lifetimes, what will that mean? Near or far. We can teach kids to deal with death, to be strong and confident individuals, to stand their ground but, in the end, we're just people and they're just people. We can support a struggling nation and provide them with stability but in the end they are just a nation of people and we are just a nation of people. And, in the end, we will die and they will die. And until then we will just be people and they will just be people. We will simply exist. And then we won't anymore.
Maybe, past our physical existence, we will survive in stories of history. But then, we will just be words. We may be immoral but even as our words reach those that may exist in the future, they will still be humans. Just as we were humans. And they will dye. I saw a quote the other day, "Our purpose in life is to give life purpose." I guess I just still don't understand. It's just life. Until it's death and eventually it ceases to exist.
We are a nation of decency, above all else. And a generation of tolerance. We are not evil. We just are. And that's decent. That's tolerable. We sit around and argue about freedoms and who has the rights to do what and who we should be but it doesn't really matter anyway because we're not under someone else's direct control. And we are not, our selves, in full control either. No one wants to have that responsibility even if they could. We simply are. We exist. And we accept that. And we will continue to do so until we don't. And then we won't. And that's all. That's that.

ne lire pas

*Spoiler Alert* If you haven't already read the Hunger Games (and still might do so eventually)- don't read this post yet. It kinda sorta gives away a little bit of the plot. Ish.

It's been a long time since I remember feeling inadequate. Every once in a while, I get the mid-life crisis, don't know where I'm going with myself, feeling but I seem to be able to off put that feeling by reassuring myself of what all I have. I know I have family and friends that I love and that love me and I have an easy life and I'm blessed to be healthy and everything. I know. And usually, I am happy being single so much so that I don't even look at it as me being single, just me being happy. With myself. Without needing someone else.
But thanks to the Hunger Games, I feel the tides changing. I feel that feeling I felt back in high school when I watched Tristan and Isolde. I was in a funk for weeks just wishing I could live in a time like that or be a part of a life like that. Of a love like that. I was pissed at the world for being able to create such beauty on screen and even more pissed that it couldn't be recreated in real life.
Love doesn't tear nations apart. Love doesn't conquer all.
The Hunger Games doesn't even create that intensely deep of a passion, of a true true-love story but it describes that feeling so well. The feeling of being safe and comforted in someone else's arm, of wanting to be noticed. The pain of having to consider living without the other.  Sooner or later, I am going to quit watching these kinds of movies and reading these kinds of books. It's not interesting in a way that keeps me eager and willing to learn more. It's not compelling or motivating for me to seek change because I am certain it is impossible. It's like trying to seek magic. I know it doesn't exist but still this idea seems so much more tangible.
It's like love is my carrot and I'm just the bunny aimlessly chasing after it, never willing to accept that it will forever stay, as it always has been, just slightly beyond my reach. It's depressing. It's the media's way of shoving it in our faces that we will never compete with fiction. Whether that was their goal or not. And I hate it.

café! et qu'est-ce que c'est?

Two things I've been absolutely addicted to as of late? Caffeine, especially coffee, and news. Now, the caffeine part is no news. I've been addicted to caffeine for a long time now. But the news thing, that's new for me.
For the same reason I never really appreciated history lessons, I had a hard time following the news. None of it seemed relevant. It happened somewhere else to someone else and had/has no immediate (if any) effect on me. I'm not proud of it but you could say I was apathetic. Still, I have a hard time caring about and/or focusing on most history lessons but I have learned to appreciate more of the surrounding world currently.
This started because I felt like I stopped growing as a person. I graduated with my bachelor's and haven't decided on if/when/where to go back to school yet. My job can be challenging but it doesn't necessarily extend much beyond the brick and mortar. A goal that I have tried to set for myself is to always strive to be better. Smarter, stronger, somehow better. I decided to start listening to NPR in the mornings.
NPR is a gateway news feed. Soon enough, I would flip by a news channel and flip back to find myself sucked in partly because I wanted to see if I could learn anything new and partly to show off (even if only to myself) that I had already learned about the current topics during my A.M. NPR session. Now I read headlines when I see them on my e-mail homepages or stories when friends post them on facebook.
Furthermore, the teacher in me wants to share all of my learned lessons with everyone else. Again, this is partly to show off what I know about current topics. Still, it is also to learn others' input and to just spread the wealth of knowledge to those I know and especially to those I love.
I feel like my description thus far of my new news-appreciation is mediocre. Many have shared similar relationships with the media for years. What pushes it into an addiction is that I feel the burden of wanting to know everything, usually hopefully before I have to find out from someone I know. It's part of my "discoverer's syndrome". Yes, I diagnosed myself. Yes, I made up that diagnostic term.
This may seem narcissistic or stubborn or something but I have a hard time accepting/appreciating things (especially tv shows) that I don't feel I would have "discovered" without the help of someone close to me. While I can appreciate that they are willing to share with me the things that they like, it almost subconsciously bothers me that I am depending on them to supply me with knowledge/recommendations/etc. I spent a few years ignoring shows like Scrubs because someone else had told me about them. Once I started watching Scrubs and started to realize what an awesome show it is, I realized what was going on. So you could say I'm working my way through the stages of recovery, I guess. I'm at admittance and acceptance.
I just need to know more. Nothing fuels my mind and reading awareness/comprehension, I feel, better than caffeine. So there you have.

Coffee! And what is that?

What's new? What's happening? What went on? What can I do? What can I learn?



Ever inquisitve, ever challenging, ever growing, ever beautiful,
m'appelez Bella

le problème c'est que je t'aime

Yes, my heart is broken
but that is okay.
I'm saving up my happiness
for a rainy day.

No, I don't need fixing.
I don't miss love at all.
The awkward bits, the loneliness,
The way, in love, you "fall"

I'm not much for emotion.
I certainly don't like pain.
For me, myself and I,
Love is nothing like a "gain"

I'm better off without him.
No, I don't miss love at all.
Even on my saddest nights,
I'm not waiting for his call.

I don't need a man to hold me.
I don't want a better half.
Loving him was hurting.
Now I'm smiling. Now, I laugh.

Yes, I'm glad I met him.
Yes, we had good times.
I never will forget him-
He's inspiring these rhymes.

So now I'm moving forward.
I've been sad but now I'm fine
I don't want a fairy-tale ending
I just want my life to be...
                                       mine?

l'étudies

I would like to propose a new field of studies. If this already exists somewhere, let me know! I will definitely look into it. Before I jump into the details, I would like to thank Pinterest for the inspiration. Oh, Pinterest.
Every day I log on, I see pictures of places I have never been and of foods I would have never thought to create, of clothes I would have never thought to wear let alone design. All of these new and wonderful things inspired me. Thank you Pinterest.
I propose a study of the world, in it's entirety. Mostly culturally. The world would just be "Earth" if it wasn't for the people that make an impact. As a human race, we have the ability to care, to change, to create. That is a constant throughout the world. The purpose of these studies would not be to break language barriers or to learn one culture (or any) in its entirety. The purpose would be to get a broader concept of what goes on all over the world.
Sure, they have exchange programs where one student can live with a family of another culture and learn more about their structure- their schools, their language, their society. As humans, we are constantly evolving. Exchange programs have existed for long enough to seek improvement and growth. We should be expanding beyond one other culture, beyond learning languages. We should be learning about people.
Things identified as cultural basics can vary from one person to the next. Language may make it easier to learn about the differences but there are many other ways to read a culture than by understanding what they are saying. Even just on the plain of communication, there is body language and there is expression through a multitude of media- music, dance, adornment.
My proposal is to experience, understand and/or interpret these other ways to "read" culture and take something from it. Let me be clear- As americans, the purpose is not to bring it back and Americanize it although I'm sure that would make for an easily expandable business market. I know it can be easy to sell someone on something from another culture, especially if it seems new to them and especially if it seems like something that will be widely accepted by their current culture.
There are a few reasons for me to propose it as a class instead of a personal experience. First, I think it would be much easier and much more likely for others to participate if it were organized by someone at the university level. This point isn't so much to have translators but just to have a plan. People have a tendency to talk about doing things but fall through with it if they don't initially set up a concrete plan. Also, this way general observations can be shared and these findings could potentially inspire others to go too. Lastly, it is a proposal to improve on the mainframe of university studies as they are today. I am encouraging all levels of growth from personal to world-wide growth, global adaptation, and a giant step towards an evolution of the learning process.